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1st-Jan-2020 08:36 pm - no longer friends only
handshake, children, holding, shaking hands, kids
So this is no longer a friends only journal but if you're a friend or an admirer (let's face it, you're only human!), you should still comment here and let me know you're reading cause then we can do the whole adding each other thing.
31st-Jan-2010 06:34 pm - second best
street, nudity, bare legs, legs, pavement
So things started to really look up for a while there.  I'd been talking loads to Lisa who I am quickly falling for, I'd gotten my job back at Tchai-Ovna and I was working again, I was going to have money to start doing things and clearing debt.

Then I got sacked.  Well kind of.  I made a human error, forgot to padlock a door, and got told I wasn't to work in the tea shop anymore.  I was offered the few hours flyering which was a kick in the face.  It took me longer to get there and back and cost me almost as much as I'd make to get there for 3 pissing hours a week.  I was about to hit depression again.

Then Lisa was there: "you still have me".  And she was right.  I did.  I do.  Lisa and I had a chat recently about ex's and emotions and how maybe things were going a bit fast, and I agreed that they were.  We were slowing right down.  I love her, I really do.  She makes every rotten thing about life seem like it's going to be okay (to quote Beautiful Girls).  We had been having tiffs and arguments and all that, which was fine.  They were often my fault, often as a result of both of us being quite serious and stubborn and taking everything to heart.  But it was fine, apologies were made, I was working on accidentally upsetting her less.

But now Lisa's ex has came back on the scene by telling her that he misses her.  And I've found myself wanting her to be happy more than anything, and that sounds really cliche but it's true.  I always read about that.  In true love you want your partners happiness, in false love you want your partner.  I can see that she really cares for him and I know that they were happy together, and she's really upset by it all, and I just want her to be happy.  Obviously the ideal situation is that she is happy with me, but if she can get back with her ex and she's happy with him then who am I to argue?

Then I got nosey (as you do!) and decided to have a look at his x box stuff.  Lisa had been convincing me to do things like have the same x box icon as her (a tom cat) and make it the same colours and have the same clan tag.  While having a nosey I realised that her ex has the same icon from years back.  Is she trying to turn me into another version of her ex? Suddenly I'm second best, maybe even a carbon copy or a clone.  I don't know what to think.  Might be paranoid.  Don't know.  It's very odd.

I want her to be happy, but I don't want to be sad.  I've lost one of the two things keeping me going- work.  I'm now losing the second and most important.  Does she even love me?  Am I being paranoid?  I don't know what to think, I just want to cry.  I've never felt this way for anyone before.  She's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed.  I feel human emotions like anger and love and guilt and regret and sorrow with her.  I've never once lied to her, which is a fucking miracle being a compulsive liar.  She's kept me off the drink, I don't need a pint to destress I just think about her and it's all better.  I've stopped biting my nails - silly little thing, but still! It's all down to Lisa.  But now what?  Maybe I was just the rebound guy?  It's been 3 years since I've been upset like this.  Why can't something in my life just work out for once?

I feel like JD fucking Salinger, god rest his soul.  I'm a bloody angsty heart broken teenager again.  I just hope someone reads this and helps me.
20th-Jan-2010 03:51 pm - Lisa
street, nudity, bare legs, legs, pavement
Decided I’m going to try and use this more often.  I decide that every 12 months or so and then I never do, but let’s see how I last this time.

Updates?  From October 2008-October 2009 I worked as a Youth Work trainee for South Lanarkshire Council which as massive fun at the time, but I’d never work for them again.  I loved my colleagues and I loved the young people I worked with, but the staff in general and the management were not the kind of people I would like to work with again.

Since then I’ve been thinking a lot about career change and job security, all the while remaining unemployed.  I’ve been looking for a new job, maybe not as hard as I could have been, but I’ve been looking all the same.  Anyway... yesterday I managed to get a job in my old work Tchai-Ovna.  I loved and hated working in Tchai-Ovna and it looks like I’m going to mostly love working there again, they’ve just opened up a new venue and the staff that were working there at the time of my departure are gone and back are the staff I originally loved working with.

I’m also applying to go to college to do an HND in Interactive & Creative Media so I can at least have a qualification saying I can do the stuff I can do.  It should mostly be a breeze seeing as I know how to do it all already, so hopefully it’s not too boring.

Now onto the most important thing that’s been happening as of late.  Thank god for Halo 3 and CBB7.  Lisa and I have been bonding loads since I got Halo and CBB7 came on the tv and I really think I’ve met my soul mate.  She lives in Liverpool which is slightly far away, and I still haven’t worked out what our relationship is/will be, but I know that I love her and that she loves me.  We have so much in common, from things you might expect like music and tv to more unusual things like we both have pet cats who we value far more than most human lives.

I guess some part of me has always known that Lisa and I were twin souls.  Way back in February, despite my obnoxious drunken phone calls leading to us falling out, we had a love/hate thing going on which resulted in me drawing this:

It’s no Picasso but you get the gist.  Lisa is such a special person to me.  Whenever I’ve liked girls in the past I’ve always found myself twisting, bending or enhancing parts of me to make me more appealing and I haven’t done that once – I can simply just be me and I truly do love her for that. I like her lots and she is going to visit me at some point as soon as we chat and work out a date, and following that who knows.  Hopefully we either fall in love or become best of friends, but either way Lisa is going to be in my life for a long time.

Plato had a philosophy surrounding soul mates which is quite amusing.  He believed that human beings were originally created with four arms and four legs, and one head with two faces.  He believed that when we wanted to run fast we just rolled with our 8 limbs and that our strength and might was so powerful and dangerous that Zeus halved us down the middle, and put each half in different places around the world.  Plato believed that this is why so many people don’t meet their soul mate and why, when they do, they are often so far apart.
29th-Apr-2008 02:47 am - I haven't posted in about 10 months
censoring, censored, deleted, censorship
but I just read my entire friends page and it seems everyone has so much to say except me.

I decided recently (okay, so it was two seconds ago) that I don't have anything to hide anymore. I don't think I want to be hiding anymore. so this is now a public livejournal for the whole world to read, even if I'm talking about them and how shite they were last night at woodlands creatures.

that brings me nicely onto last night. it was my birthday yesterday, and we went to la tasca. I say we as if there was loads of people, but there was about 6 - and two of them were family and one was my best friend, so you could say that three people who had a choice were there. but then one of those three was my friend's boyfriend and he probably was forced to come as well. so you could say that two people made a choice to come. but then kirsty was only there because she wanted to meet natasha (natasha didn't come in the end due to something about grandparents turning up and being like "hey natasha we've booked dinner at 8"), so basically the only person who made a conscious decision that they wanted to come to my dinner was gemma. and she made me a nice card and is my new favourite friend anyway (even though I only see her once every blue moon).

so I guess I should tell you how my life has been since july. I've been working and volunteering with the youth council, mostly. I say mostly as if I was getting shifts, but I wasn't. I am now, though. plenty in the west end, which is currently staffed by monkeys and people with no personality. there's two new people I haven't met, though. but generally speaking (and this is backed up by customers talking to me when I met them at the halt bar) tchai-ovna west end has been lacking in spirit recently. no wonder I feel like slitting my fucking wrists everytime I work there.

for those of you who don't know me or anything like that, I'm basically a pretty boring once-loved, now forgotten character by the name of danny. some people call me daniel, that is normally an indication of age. it seems people over the age of forty are too scared to call people under the age of 30 by a nickname, so they use the full name instead. probably so they seem more important and superior. I work in a tea shop which is staffed (mostly) by crusties. the decent ones left quite a while back, which made it unbearable to work in the west end branch. on the side I've been trying to make websites, but I've ended up giving away all of them and, for the most part, paying out of my own pocket for the domains. I'm also an almost full-time volunteer for south lanarkshire council, in particular south lanarkshire youth council. I won't talk too much about that on this blog, because they've got a crap google ranking, and people ended up on my bebo by googling south lanarkshire youth council. the last thing I want is important councillors finding out I say fuck and made tea for a living.

I want a nice livejournal layout. I'm going to work on that tonight. then I'm going to tidy my house, cause my mummy comes back home tomorrow. then I'm going to wake some people up via text and then they're going to talk to me until I fall asleep, and then they won't be able to get back to sleep. and I'll dream about how they can't get back to sleep and wake up with an erection at 10am.
15th-Jul-2007 07:42 pm - maybe one day I would be
street, nudity, bare legs, legs, pavement
Our friends became her friends, her friends became my enemies, my friends never cared.
Despite all the effort over the years, she rated other boys higher than she ever did I; dated boys longer than she ever did I.
19th-May-2007 04:45 pm - ready to be smashed
music, bill callahan, smog, (smog), it's rough
Smog - It's Rough

When you're down on your luck
And you just can't cope
When the times are bleak
And the friends are few

Don't turn to me
'Cause I'm no hope
Don't turn to me
'Cause I don't know what to do

Maybe you should have a drink
I don't know why you ever stopped anyway

Oh, it's rough
Baby, to live
Oh, it's hard
Baby, to survive
Everyday lately
My mind feels like glass
Ready to be smashed
Ready to be smashed

Oh well, my best friend
Took a bullet through his eye
First he had a patch
Now he's got a glass eye
One hard, glass eye
He says sometimes he wishes
Both his eyes were glass

Well, it's rough
Baby, to live
And it's hard
Baby, to survive
Everyday lately
My mind feels like glass
Ready to be smashed
I'm ready to be smashed

At times I lock myself up
In my room
Don't come over
While I listen to a record
I stare at the cover
Don't come over
Don't come over
'Cause I'm no hope to you
I'm no hope to you
5th-Mar-2007 03:58 pm - midnight in a perfect world
lies, crap, dishonesty, cut the crap, scissors
Today I skipped school again, and I skipped sleeping last night.  Had a big chat with Laura yesterday which was nice, but also confusing. 

I'm not sure what it is that has been scaring me from it, but I barely slept all last week (prelim week) and I didn't study even though I knew I had to do both, so I fell asleep during my English exam which I poorly attempted due to not studying and my modern studies exam went okay but only because I had the prelim paper beforehand. Chemistry I skipped for more, unknown reasons - half of me thinks I was scared, but I don't tend to fear things and I was up to go to it.  I went back to sleep and I dunno why, and then I woke up too late.

It's not that I don't care about these things, or that school isn't important to me.  At least I don't tihnk it is.  I don't really know what it is, I don't know what anything is anymore.  My emotions are all over the place and it's dangerous - things like not knowing if the feelings a girl gives you is because she is an ideal best friend or an ideal girlfriend.  Not knowing if you were making up feelings about another girl to help you get over a former, or if you were serious.  Not knowing if the former girl was girlfriend or best friend material.

My pathological lies are getting worse too.  I'm trying so hard to get them better, but even as I'm spitting lies I'm thinking "that's not true, I shouldn't say that" and I do anyway.  Nothing ever big or life changing, and always small things which I would never get caught for.  It's just odd, everything is odd just now.

This is pretty much the first time I've ever said any of these things to anybody, so posting them on a livejournal is a big step.   Hopefully it'll be theraputic, but people might judge me in reality.
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